I am a teacher. The course is over. I’ve got my certificate and the world is mine. I can go wherever I want, but…
There is a Zen story that resonates with me a lot. It concerns a monk who is tired of the rigors of monastic practice and wants out of the monastery. He goes to the teacher and this dialogue ensues:
“I can’t take this anymore. I want out.”
The master said, “Okay, then leave.”
He started for the door, and the master said, “That’s not your door.”
“Oh. Sorry.” The fellow looked around and spotted another door. As he headed for it, the master said, “That’s not your door.”
“Oh!” He looked around for another door, and as he headed for that one, the master said, “That’s not your door!”
Bewildered and exasperated, the poor fellow said, “What do you mean? There’s no other door. You told me I could leave, but there’s no door I can leave by.”
“If there’s no door you can leave by,” said the master, “then sit down and leave from there.”
That’s how I feel. I can leave this place, but I know I cannot leave “me”. There is no way out.
There are some opportunities for me to teach. The doors to that are opening. Here in Mazunte, other parts of the world. I can go back to Europe and put my energy there, but really the only thing I want to do is just to sit down and meditate. Go deeper in my practice, do a free dive and break all my limits. All others activities feels like a pointless noise and running away. I’m asking myself if I’m mental, if there is seriously something wrong with me. My mind wants me to worry about money, my mind wants me to worry about future plans, what to do next. Have a concrete plan, vision, especially in regards to finance, but…
“I” whoever “I” is does not care about all of that.
“I” wants me to just come down, trust that everything will work out as it has so far, and just continue what I’ve been doing – follow my intuition, follow my heart.
So what I’ve done so far is moved out from my fancy beach location hotel to a basic room on the end of San Augustinillo. The rent is cheap so I’m giving myself time to just integrate the very intense past 3 months, digest all experiences and see what will happen next.
Here is my new room, very pink, but I feel really good vibe there. I have lots of creative forces at the moment so in the coming days I think I will work on some crafts, paintings, collage etc