Silent retreat

A silence has finished on Sunday sharp at 6pm. I did not want this to end. I did not want to come back to the world of noise. I liked the silence a lot. Like one of the guy said during a sharing after a retreat “It’s like a drug, you want more and more” Meditation is my drug now. Available anytime I want, free with no side effects. What more do I need?

It’s hard to put into words an experience I’ve been through. Words seems to be insufficient. I’m processing and digesting all. After the silence has finished I started to cry. Not that I was holding my tears during a retreat, it was just so emotional, beautiful moment I could not help myself. We all sat down to share, but all I could do was to cry. Purification, relief and hope were present in my tears. Over a dinner I sat down next to one of the teacher’s and finally started to talk a bid about my experience. She was keep saying “You are so cute” I was like “Cute? Why?” She said I’m like a child who keep asking her Mom if what she has seen was real with this real child innocence. I guess I am a toddler in a spiritual world…

The the only voice I had during those 10 days was my journal…some the notes here. Maybe too intimate, but there is a need in me to express only a real me.

Day 1 – Rush! A first thought in the morning was rush. Do it! Do it faster! Relax now! Meditate deep now! Commands to my inner self.  Do it all, do it now. There is no time to waste. Efficiency is programmed in my mind.

Day 2Fan, cold… Meditation sucks… Peace…Maybe it works? I’m annoyed. Everything annoys me. Loud fan, cold in the morning. I don’t know if I want to laugh or cry. I want to scream! I want to make some noise!

Day 3 – A rain season has started. Last night a huge storm has woken me up. It was 1-2am. I am a grown women, but I was scared. I’m afraid of storm?!?! Why have I never felt it before? Like a child I wanted to be comforted. There was nobody to help. I hugged myself and fallen asleep again

PM – I’m angry. My thoughts have only three themes: love, sex, drama.

My written question to the teachers for Q&A session tonight: During meditation when I connected to my heart I felt this new feeling. I cannot name it. I don’t think I ever felt it before. It was a very uncomfortable one. What shall I do? Shall I stay and sit with this feeling or continue and go deeper?

My mind is playing his game really well!

Day 4 – “You can’t never fight the thoughts, by fighting you feed them”

How do I feel? I think I experienced it. Immobility of the body. I was still, but fully aware of surrounding. It was me – present and firm. Very peaceful but could not go any further. Commentary of my mind could not stop.

I’m enjoying silence. I really do. It’s my space and nobody abuse it. I don’t have to do anything. No expectation from others, just me. I’m allowed to be me and I don’t have to feel guilty about it.

Day 5–  Brushing my teeth and no mirror to say “Hi! Morning you” to myself. No image to relate to. Just an image in my head. I wonder if I have changed?

PM – Meditation was rubbish. I was so in my dream world. My mind doesn’t want to give up. Gosh I think about sex a lot!…. My today’s question for Q&A session: Ever since the retreat has started I’m having very intense, vivid dream. Is it normal? Anything in particular to pay attention to?

“Beyond the mind” help me, please

Day 6 – When I was a child I used to love God. I sang my heart out, so he can hear me out loud. He broke my heart and left me in pain, for me to realise that he always been there.  My anger and unworthiness were our separators, but it’s ok. I’m back now. Ready to love him again.

Day 7 – Frustrated in the morning, at peace in the afternoon. I’ve noticed how my stomach is getting tight every time when any possible, new sensation might come. Our body is a funny thing. Programmed without our awareness it seems.

PM – My thoughts cannot stop today. Counting does not help. It’s making my mind even more adjective. My mind is exciting! It’s like a child with a new toy given just before a bedtime “A new toy! Hurrah!“, but just in the middle of the play somebody told him to stop “It’s a bedtime now“. “No way” said my mind “I’m just warming up” and it went downhill from there…

Day 8 – Frustration. What the hell am I doing? Why am I doing it? Does it  make any sense for me? My Q&A question to the teacher: ” Is it possible to aim towards Self-Realisation and live in the modern, western society? These seems to be in contradiction to each other. How to balance both desires? Desire to discover True-Self and live a “normal” life?

PM- I can hide and run away forever. It’s only me who I ran away from, but why do I want to punish myself? For what? Fantasy world is my escape..

Day 9 – Everything I know about myself is coming from my mind. If I let go what is going to be left? Frustration is growing. Why? Because I know I can, but I’m not allowing myself to let go.

“The mind is not your friend, not yet” Mooji

PM- Like a toddler is discovering that it has hands, legs the same me discovering a world of meditation. Slowly, gently

Day 10 – Victim attitude, poor me approach, romantic fantasy, self judge – these are the subjects of my thoughts. No wonder I am, where I am right now.

There is so much love people give me, yet so little I allowed myself to feel


Reborn again.


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