Lost me

I wish I could write about my awesome weekend but…I don’t remember it. I’ve got drunk, really drunk so Saturday night does not exist in my memory. Shame, as apparently it was a great night.

What is so special about alcohol that we keep toxicate ourself? The only answer I’m finding, and that is true at least for me is to numb yourself. I was on the mission to forget. I wanted to not feel and not to think. Boom! Alcohol is your answer to that. It did work on the weekend, but everything what I wanted to forget about has came back anyway this morning. More intense, and even more scary as it was on Saturday. Somebody said “alcohol will not give you an answer, but will help you to forget the question”.

It’s very personal what I’m writing, normally I will use my journal for that but I need help. I need support. I need somebody to tell me I’m not losing my mind. That’s is all good, all will work well, and there is happy ending to my story.

I woke up full of fear on Saturday. I’m scared, I’m really scared about the direction I’m going. It’s not that it is the wrong direction, but it feels bigger then I am. I’m just this little me, 5ft something tall, with small voice, what can I do? Why do I keep meeting people who push me to explore my spirituality. Spirituality not as religion, but the whole believe system I had. Spirituality, as something free of institutional structures and hierarchies, not so much about dogma and beliefs as about attitudes, values and practices, about what motivates you (us) at the deepest level, influencing how you think and behave, helping you find a true and useful place in your community, culture and in the world. Why am I even going there? I just wanted to wake up my creativity, is it some kind of package deal. I did not sign for it? More I’m expanding my mind, more fearful I become. For all those years I was focus on myself only. Now I’m expanding that to others. I have way to much empathy to not see how people suffer. My eyes are too wide open to not see that the current way of living is not the way to go in the future. There need to be change, change in the currency. Money needs to be replaced by love.

This morning somebody put a post on FB about 14 year old girl gang raped in sydney. My first reaction was, and what? That is happening everyday, everywhere around the globe. why are you angry about this particular case? It is happening on your street, next door to you, and have you raised your voice on that? No! It’s easy to scream about something far away, but when it concern you we all shut up.

Today I want to get off this bus called life. I feel hopeless. I feel small, very small. I just want to hide somewhere and sleep through the winter.

One thing I remember from Saturday night was this amazing band and this girl. I felt her voice going right through drunken me. That was intense, very intense. There you go a taste of Waycross This is picture taken by Rachel Thoele hopefully not copyrighted, and no rights reserved.

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