Unknown

I am in the land of the Unknown

Today I feel like a failure. A few days ago I was a very content and happy being. That is how life unfolds these days.

I have no real career, I have no real home, I’m closer to fourty these days than thirty, I can count pennies on my bank account, rather than thousands. My backpack is pretty much all I have…how have I ended up here? When did this happen?

How pitiful it is!!! Don’t buy it! I’m in a beautiful part of the world, with no real duties, as much time as I want, still eating well, still drinking a nice coffee and still having a comfortable roof over my head.  Perhaps that’s all ONE needs.

I don’t know.

I read through my old posts, 3 years of journeying ago, and wonder why have I stopped writing? When was the last time I took my camera out? Not a mobile but an actual camera? When was the last time I journaled anything? It was my source of pure joy. Why have I stopped?

I don’t know.

Back to the Unknown. I’m starting to think it’s my favourite “hang out” place. I’m regularly come back to this land. In 5 weeks I am supposed to jump on the plane back to London. It’s a big unknown at the moment if I take this flight or not….

I don’t know.

My beautiful friend, a successful coach asked me about my vision – a big picture, a reflection of what is important for me. Another friend passing by through our house after a powerful retreat asked a similar question in different words “When your energy is released, where do you want to put it? How do you want to serve?”

I don’t know.

On a day like today when I feel like a failure I just want to be left alone, in my bed laying here all day, comfortably numb, crying from time to time not really knowing why, in self-pity mode. I’m too loyal to human experience, I’m too attached to suffering to serve.

I don’t know.

When I came back from my recent retreat and I saw the sad eyes of Sufi, my heart was broken into million pieces. This creature was sooo sad. She felt so lonely and abandoned. How on the earth I can go away? She has chosen me for some reason or another, we signed the contract, she teaches me what unconditional love is. I cannot just leave her behind and go…

I don’t know.

A friend of mine introduced me to this prayer a long time ago “Please shine the light on this situation and release me from suffering“. Yes, please shine the light of conciousness. I’m in the dark. Surrender is a message I’m getting. Surrender, NOT as a giving up, passivity or weakness, but surrender as an act of courage, freedom, of TRUST. Surrender is the most important attitude in spirituality or actual life, whether you recognise the spirit or not. Without surrender you would not be able to love, there would be no friendship, no compassion, no forgiveness. Surrender is taking us beyond our little ego bubble, beyond our limitation, beyond our attachments, straight into the Unknown, straight into trust, straight into the Heart. “Come to the edge,” he said. “We can’t, we’re afraid!” they responded.  “Come to the edge,” he said. “We can’t, We will fall!” they responded. “Come to the edge,” he said. And so they came. And he pushed them. And they FLEW”

Here are the pictures from the most beautiful place I’ve had the privilege to be – The Lake Titicaca and Isla Amantani. A very powerful spot to meditate. That’s where the drama I’m experiencing now begun. Sometimes after a period of practice where the mind is calm, where the mind is put at bay and we touch something deep within us – and recently my practice was strong to the point of escapism – the mind come back with the earthquake and tsunami all together trying to remind me “I’m still running this show” Perhaps you do honey, but not for long, not for long…

with love

always

❤

It’s my Name Day today. I’m indulging in sugar and than will go back to bed. Mooji says “You have to be like the cow that jumped over the moon, and this moon is your mind. You have to jump over it” I’m too attached to Gosia to jump. I’m taking a bath in “the suffering” today. Why?

I don’t know

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