I don’t think I ever been so confused about life
I don’t have answers, I do have lots of questions
I do my best to stay calm and just go through until clarity naturally come. I will write then
Freedom seems to be a topic. An urge for freedom, longing for freedom. The conscious choice to be free. I was telling this story yesterday and then I understood the significance. I was born in Gdansk. Place where anti-communist social movement of Solidarity was born just few months after I came into this world. The place where the fall of communist regime in Eastern Europe has started. Where in 1980 in Gdansk shipyard 17,000 workers went on mass strike, where my Dad was one of them, where they barricaded themselves within the plant to fight for freedom, show resistance to government, to the way of living. People died, people have been prisoned that year and before in Gdansk, in whole Poland. Recently I visited Solidarity museum for the first time. There was a room with a huge wall with white-red logo of Solidarity. The wall was made out of tiny little cards left by visitors with little messages. One card said “Thank you that I can be whoever I want and listen Nirvana” other “Born free” other “Thank you for freedom”. Reflection came yesterday.
My generation don’t have to fight for physical freedom anymore. I was born free. I took it for granted. The physical freedom, freedom to be whoever I want, freedom to be where I want. I do use my freedom in that sense since 2 years now. I know it’s a privilege. I know I’m lucky. I know I deserve it and I know I’m using it wisely. Gratitude.
What I’m longing for now is a different kind of freedom. Freedom from the mind. Freedom from the limitation of the mind. Not a practical mind but the psychological mind. Freedom from the all the concepts that are hardwired in the mind. From the limiting beliefs that like right now are holding me back to blossom. Freedom from the frames that mind is putting on “I”. Freedom from the fear that creates that frames . Freedom from suffering that the mind is causing us day by day. Self-doubts, self-hater, self-abuse. All self-inflicted, all hurting us to the depths of our being. You might say oh I don’t have any problems, I’m fine. Really? Really?… Really? Does love rule your world or the fear?
When I came back from Mexico I was shining this freedom through. Many said about my lightness back then and now I finally understood what was giving me this lightness. Not travelling, not experiences, not people I surrounded myself with, not yoga, not meditation. The lightness was coming from within. What has happened then? With time the old habits took their toll. The mind restored his position. The walls have been putted back. I went into confusion world. Fear has started to rule my world. I’ve compromised my freedom in order to fit, to be accepted, to please others. Not intentionally, not consciously, not that I had to. Just day by day one, choice after choice, one thought after other, one word after other, in very subtle way I compromised “I”.
My intuition is telling me that ever single day we’re making hundreds of little choices to be or not to be free, to act from the place of freedom/love, or the place of fear. I’ve forgotten about that.
I had a strong need to write this post. Once again to give “I” a strong voice. Use this post as affirmation, reminder, anchor that I can come back to. I know I will forget this urge in few weeks. It’s natural, it’s a journey, I know though it’s my duty as a human being to search for this freedom. Equally its my gift as a human being to live this freedom. Many don’t understand, many completely don’t get it. It does not matter.
I choose this freedom It’s an urge. It’s a strong pull. It’s not anymore a desire to be a better person, to improve Gosia or overcome some old drama. It’s like breathing. I cannot live any other way now. I cannot compromise my being. I chose to be free.
Born to be free. Period