My Dad messaged me yesterday “to start a journey of thousands miles you have to take a first step“. What a wise man he is. So i did. I left my paradise yesterday and started a journey back to Europe
Actually the words “leaving” and “coming back” are confusing for me at the moment. I don’t understand the real meaning of these words. How I can come back if I never left? Places, people are constantly present in my heart. I never left, so how can I come back? What? Because physically I am/was not there? What kind of excuse is that? So being somewhere physically means more than holding a place or a person in your heart? How can you even compare it?
The mind cannot grasp what is happening. I just don’t understand why am I “leaving” this place? Why?
All my needs are met here, I can stay and teach until end of August. Teaching is such a blessing. It brings so much joy, it’s when the magic happens. When Gosia disappears and the teaching itself just flow through. Coordinating the retreats are also source of so many lessons for me. Why am I “leaving” this place then? I don’t understand. I don’t understand this feeling that I know it’s time. It’s time to go. I accumulated so much goodness. Life is so generous to me, so generous…
The first lecture I did as a teacher was about non-attachment, ability to let go, not holding to. There was an example in our booklet to see the breath as a teacher. You inhale all the goodness and you exhale because you trust that life will bring what you need over and over again. That there is no need to hold to even to the most beautiful, the most nourishing experiences, places, people. You trust that with the next breath it will be still there, and even more…you just let go, let go, let go over and over again “practice the muscle of letting go”. More you let go, more will flow…
So I’m letting go of something that was without a doubt the most precious year of my life. A year of connecting with the heart, with inner wisdom, a year of constant learning, a year of Grace.
Friend of mine asked me if I have to name one thing what would be the most valuable lesson I’ve learnt here and I answered – a lesson what love is. Different flavours of love, Definition of love I used to have has been totally tore apart and with really baby steps build up again. I now see love in totally different light. Self-love, love to others, love to life, love in everything
Even the recent retreat was about this love. Love as acceptance and freedom. I’ve noticed how much I want people to behave the way “I” want and “I” think is right for them. Me, me, me… I think it was a day 5 when I looked through the window and I saw Nina, our school dog. I’ve just opened my eyes after meditation and there she was holding a dead chicken in her mouth. I looked at her and the clarity came. I’ve written in my journal “It’s nature of Nina to eat a dead bird. It’s nature of human to have own will. I can give my love but that’s it. I cannot force anyone to do what I think is right or wrong, what action is right or wrong. It’s about giving others freedom to be as they want without judging, need for control, need to change it. That is to love. That’s what coordinating the retreat taught me.”
This year was about universality of love, not about personal love, romantic love. I’ve learnt to allow love to flow into my life from every single experience. I’ve learnt to see love in every moment. Just to be love.
Gratitude for having eyes to see this love, for having the mind calm enough to contemplate this beauty. This is a gift and the only response is thank you
“If the only prayer you ever say in life is thank you, that would enough” Meister Eckhart