Where I am and how do I feel? A friend of mine asks this question from time to time. It’s a good question. The way to tune in with your inner self, ground yourself if necessary.
I’m in San Marcos. The place where when I mentioned my stomach problem people tell me to look into my root chakra. “Digestion system is linked to an element of earth so grounding might be an issue” that sort of place. Of course you can close yourself to this, say it’s all bollocks, but that’s not what travel in essence is. Travel is about opening your mind. Listen people, but don’t believe everything they say. Try for yourself and then decide if its something for you or not. Yes, I’m still struggling with stomach. No, western medicine is not for me, not in this case at least. This is very very, much linked to my current struggle so I’m looking into it, plus I’ve got a grapefruit seeds extract so that should help.
I’m drinking coffee now. Coffee with cow milk and lots of sugar something I have not done for a while. I had a rich brownie this morning and a big breakfast as well. I’m eating. I’m back to eating my emotions. Why? Because I’m fed up, I’m lost, I feel lonely, isolated and I’m done. I would like to crawl into the hole and stay there forever. On intellectual level none of these feelings makes any sense. I’m in the beautiful part of the world, I’m leaving many people’s dream but…behind the scene you have no idea how hard is to be me. Especially today.
Yesterday I tried cacao ceremony. I’ve done this before and it was nice experience and after that I ended up in Mazunte for 2 months. I’ve tried again yesterday and it shaken me a big time. Amount of stuff I released, amount of emotions that went through me was overwhelming. What’s left? Anger at the moment.
I am en empath. My worst nightmare has become my reality. Something I knew for long time was confirmed to me yesterday. I am sponge for other people’s crap. I store it all in my stomach area and hips. It’s all there. Empath is a person who feels others. I feel people a big time. Unfortunately I am expert in the pain and confusion. Go ahead, if you don’t want shite in your life, interact with me and this will make you feel better. Who cares that I will sunk in the feelings that I don’t understand. It’s not something you learn, you born with it. It was buried inside me very deep, but came into surface in the last few months more intense than ever before. I felt huge compassion for people, I felt their emotions, it’s was always easy for me to understand people intention and motivation. I used it very well in my professional life. Privately I isolated myself from the world, spent a lot of time on my own. I had a reason for that, but now I understand why I was dealing with everything on my own, why it was so difficult to ask anyone for help. Simply because I have no boundaries. Others could not help me, only Angels!
I don’t know what to do with it. I want to scream leave me alone!!! On one hand it has calmed me down a bit because I now understand my behaviour. My mood swings, crying without reasons, this weird sense something is wrong when everything was fine, my resistance towards my closest friends, sometimes people I love as I was not able to help them. I felt their pain, I felt their cry for help but I had no capacity to take it. For some reason it was always easy for me to tune into people pain. Pain body seems to be my speciality.
This skill is great to help people to heal, but today I don’t feel like helping. Plus I need to help myself first. Eating and spending time on my own is a plan. I will sit by the lake and cry. I will cry feeling sorry for myself…. why I cannot be normal?
Below is my view where I sit each morning in my hostel…stunning view over volcanos. Yes, we have 6 volcanos here. Magic place! below also pictures from San Pedro. The town I only visited to go to ATM. It’s too loud for me to stay there. San Marcos is one, tiny street village. I still don’t know if I like it or not, but there seems to be a reason for me to be here, so I keep my mind open and hang out here for couple more days…