My resistance…

I don’t know where I am with my thoughts ? Confused. It feels like I have moved miles back in my journey to very old times, way before the travel times. My old attitude has come back, and it made me so confused. I thought those times are behind me , but I guess there is some unfinished business there. I’ve noticed I’m avoiding people again. I don’t know why…

Well, what I definitely feel is my huge resistance to change. I know my art classes are so good for me. I know when I’m there I fully enjoy it. I don’t think, it’s like a meditation to my brain. However it’s a huge challenge for me to even get there, and it’s only 10 min walk! My spanish classes again I need them for my travel, but a minute I think about it I want to scream. I’m back to my attitude “leave me alone, let me stay where I was” which is stagnant. Some people might call it “being lazy”, but it’s not! I know I’m a hardworking creature. When I have my eyes on something, when I have my focus and excitement on I can move the mountains, but to get to that mindset is another story.  I understand the process of change. I understand it’s a spiral path, with frustration most of the times followed by joy and back, I understand fear of unknown. I know the theory, but i still struggling with the practice.

I’ve recently read “We often resist what we need the most” and it’s so true! I’m writing this as I know it’s a normal process, and maybe somebody reading this will find an answer for their frustration. It hurts me when I’m called lazy, as I know it’s not true! It’s a fear. I’m not sure what I’m afraid of. I have nothing to lose anymore, but I’m still holding tight to my old habits. An attachment to old life is much stronger than curiosity what is behind these new doors. I’m afraid to let go “my old ways”. Why? I know them well. They not necessary are serving me well, but at least there are no surprises. I know them well. They feel safe! I know my “emotional eating” friend very well. She’s been with me for ages. She is like my best friend. Always there when I need help, when I need “to not feel”, when I need comfort, and when I need to feel numb. Oh yes! she loves when I’m in that place. She always find good food and good excuses to have them. She has now changed her tactics, and became a sophisticated lady in her approach. A bit here, a bit there, high sugar, high saturated fat content, but always good quality, always in nice places so guilt don’t interrupt our relationship. How I can let her go? She is a friend!? She is not doing huge harm, but she is not helping for sure….

It’s a very personal post, but this blog is personal, and I really want people to know that even though I’m having time of my life, I love where I am, and who I am now I still struggle with myself. Life is about that – to learn to surf! You’re catching the wave, and then you’re falling! You’re catching the wave, and then you’re falling!  You repeat the process again and again, and again, each time getting better and enjoying more. There are days when the ocean is quite, there are days when the waves are more than you could ever imagine. Life! Voilà!

Today I’m going to take myself for a day of treats, but not to “not feel”, but to say it’s ok to feel like that. Feel it, and let it go…Here is the place, where I’m going to spend “me” day – colourful, sunny, beautiful Oaxaca